Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
