Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
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