does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
