she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
