He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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