THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
