just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Randomize
