Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
