I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
