Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
