Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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