My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
