he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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