Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize