My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
