I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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