puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
