what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
