i think my mom watched the whole time
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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