and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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