We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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