so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
