Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
