Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
