I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
