So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
