I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
