I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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