btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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