My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
