everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
