Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
In other news, I just burned my penis
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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