just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
