Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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