I am midnight drunk by noon
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
