come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
