Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
my liver is dry heaving
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
