Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize