i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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