I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
