My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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