I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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