There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
