You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
