why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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