I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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