just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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