i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
