I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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