you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
