Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
