im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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