Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
sarcasm needs its own font
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
