you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
