I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm jealous of your bromance
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just gargled with NyQuil
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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