I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
