apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
