she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
