the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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