my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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