I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
