Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
