jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
