i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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